I am a High Functioning Nightmare-Person

Well hello there. If this is your first time here, you might want to turn back. This blog is for people who want to point and stare at a person(?) who is barely functional, clapping her along.  My name is Kat, and unlike most people, I cannot for whatever reason live in my own head.

What the frick does that even mean? Well, unlike most people, who can sit and reason and dig deep down to figure out hard emotional problems, I cannot. it's like a super thick fog is surrounding the deep thoughts and only the easy, light floating thoughts are accessible.

No wonder why math is so difficult

It prevents me from being reasonable most of the time and I end up in pieces over the smallest arguments. My SO, Devin, may he forever be blessed, is so tolerant of my mental/emotional bullshit. He's the tree that bends in the wind, while I'm the fucking Whomping Willow.

Devin is enjoying his time as a tree

I wish I was more stable and able to bend and roll with the punches and what not, but it's really fucking HARRRRRD. *cue whining* Fighting with Devin almost always leads to me shutting down or me and him fighting even harder which gets him worked up and then I end up having a panic attack and he has to get me out of it, or it'll go on forever. Which I realize is totally not fair to Devin. He has to argue and then comfort the other side as they cut off oxygen to their stupid lungs cause they can't mentally handle confrontation. Go team.

It's such a common occurrence in our house that I have made him a book on what to do when panic attacks strike. I'll share it one day when I can find where he keeps it.

Not being able to handle deep thoughts is a real bummer. I often find myself trying to sort things out and my brain just diverts me away to easier, less difficult thoughts. "why am I always being mean to Devin..." "oh! a new episode of my favorite anime is out" "lets go pet a cat" "remember how Devin didn't do the dishes? let's get real mad" It's hard for me to stay focused enough to try to dig down and figure it out and the more I try, the faster I get tired. I'm hoping that with more therapy and being kinder to myself mentally and emotionally, I'll be able to eventually get down to the meat of the problem and float around all the parts of my noggin'.

This brings me to my depression/anxiety. Not only do I struggle in the connect-with-myself area of my life, I also struggle with extreme depression and anxiety.

The extreme sports of depression

"Sure, sure," "I have that too," you say, but I really really REALLY have it, like really.  I struggle with everything. I now have more pjs than real clothes cause I cannot be bothered to get properly dressed. At first it was "comfy clothes are softer, why would I ever wear anything else?" but in reality it's more like "comfy clothes are all I want to wear cause they are easy and I most likely slept in them" I struggle with my weight because exercise is overwhelming to think about and I can't get Devin to go with me cause he also hates exercise.  Plus a gym membership is expensive and I don't want to run outside or around strangers. Such is life.  I sleep as much as possible because it's way better than being alive. Like seriously, sleep your life away, it's the greatest. Where was I going with this? I lost this train didn't I?

Anxiety is like the younger brother to depression who wants to grow up to be an asshole just like his big brother. He makes you sit there hours after a conversation, picking apart each detail making you feel like you have no control when you talk to people. (which tbh, I don't) He also helps make up scenarios that didn't happen that sound like something that would happen so you can get mad and frustrated over shit that didn't even happen.

Such assholes

As you can see, hanging out in the ole' noggin' is a friggin' nightmare. Don't come in here.

I guess it's not all bad. I've switched medications last week, so I'm hoping it will make a difference in a few...months (it takes a while for this kind of medication to work). I've started to see a therapist once a week. She's not bad, living in Utah I was afraid she would try to slyly make mormon references, but she does her job right (thank god?) and it's pleasant taking with her. I don't feel like the conversation drags or isn't beneficial. She suggested a breathing technique and my apple watch has the technique and I can have it remind me and change the duration of the breaths and the overall time I do the breathing. So far I am really bad at remembering to do it, even with the taps to do it, but I actually have the desire to do it, so that is better than nothing.

I think this post is mostly me just letting my thoughts find a home on paper, so I'm really sorry if you are still here wondering what the hell this post was for.  I will definitely be touching back on these subjects later on in my blogs but this will have to suffice for poor groundwork for later stories. Sorry.  Granted, I warned you in the very beginning. This blog will never be popular, will never see more than friends and family who have nothing better to do than read the nonsense that goes on in my head.  Well, thanks for sticking with me, I'll see ya when I see ya.