Midweek Life Update!

Hi! I last left everyone with a rather depressing/distressing post about how I struggle to dig down deep and communicate my feelings with others. This is still true, but I wanted you all to know that my new medications and once a week therapy sessions seem to be helping me! They are just baby steps into the whole mess that is me, but last week, I didn't have any suicidal thoughts at all and I feel overall happier. I still struggle to work things out with Devin, but as I mentioned before, baby steps.

My new therapist is a rockstar. She makes me feel comfortable opening up to her, and she's really good at helping me celebrate the little improvements I've made. I don't want to share everything that's wrong with me, but I'm working on being more physical so gardening more, exercising, and going outdoors, (if you wanna help me do that please ask me for an outing) and communication. She recommended downloading Marco Polo, so I did, and I'm glad I did! I've already hung out with an old friend, and made plans to hang out with another this week! Hooray! Baby steps, man.

I really don't want all of you to be concerned that I'm a super suicidal person walking around just hoping the next opportunity to die strikes me. I just constantly have thoughts like "I really don't want to be on this planet anymore" or "It would be so much easier to not be alive right now." I don't make any final, lasting plans, I don't even try to act on them. I just have a thoughts that being hit by a bus at this very moment would be nice, or if I veer off the road down this cliff, that'll be cool. 

Don't get me wrong, I love all of you, and I have some things to live for, but most times it's easier for me to just want to be gone. My therapist told me to think instead of "I want to be dead", to think "I'm overwhelmed, what can I do to not be overwhelmed". This really shocked me. I couldn't have even imagined such a simple phase change. I just kept thinking "This is too much, I can't handle it, I'm done." "It's ok to feel overwhelmed, and what can I do to help alleviate this feeling," NEVER CROSSED MY MIND. *mind blown*  I'm so glad I now have a new thought that I can use instead of the previous one.

That's all I really have for you, I'm feeling pretty okay. I know I have a while to go before I can be considered "healthy" but I'm actively trying my best, and I know that's good enough!
Peace out.